Wrapping it up

I find myself on the tail end of what I have been calling a mid-life crisis, but what is probably more accurately described as a crisis of faith. It all started with death. The realization that we are all going to die. Naturally, that brought questions about life. What if this is all there is? If I only have today, what will I do with it? I have been on at least a 10 year journey to realize fully who I am in Christ. To live in complete freedom in who I was created to be, while remaining open to whom He may want me to become. It has been risky and full of overcoming fears. Years of letting go of my strong, instinctive desire to be safe. Boldly trusting that I can run into the arms of Jesus and that He is enough. I have been chasing the Holy Spirit around like a little child admiring on older friend. I have been banking on the Holy Spirit to be the comfort He says He is when all this risk and life to the full chasing ends up hurting. I have been trying to practice being in His presence, hearing His voice, feeling His touch. I have pulled back from ministry when I have not felt “filled up to pour out”. When serving had not been “life-giving”, I have felt disappointed in the spirit-filled life I had been trying so desperately to lead. Fear crept in like a thief in the night as little by little I came to the conclusion that life here on earth will eventually lead to unbearable pain that is unavoidable. The uncertainty I have felt in not fully knowing the power of the Holy Spirit in my life has lead to doubt. My life here on earth is amazing. Crazy amazing. I cannot think of anything in the world I could ask for. I have had a virtually pain free life and all of my earthly desires have been met beyond measure. It is hard to reconcile when I spend time with those less fortunate. I give God the glory and know everything good comes from Him, but why me? Why not her? Why not them? I don’t deserve it anymore than they do, so I cannot assume that God is just choosing to be generous to me. I really am so thankful. The problem is that WHEN life does become painful, what am I supposed to feel then? Thankful? Is that when being thankful becomes less about how you feel and more about how you choose to be? Is that when faith begins? Is that when I will finally “feel” the presence of God? With that always comes the big “what if”. What if I still don’t? What if abiding in Christ and spending time soaking in His presence is still not about how I feel? Is that okay with me? I feel angry and confused when I ask that question. I have been asking that question for a couple of years now as I have stumbled through my faith crisis. I think I have finally come to an answer. It just isn’t about me. I have to answer the question, “will I serve Him and love Him?” I have always been able to answer yes to this call. But at some point in chasing after the Holy Spirit, I started to believe that I needed something from Him in order to serve and love Him. I needed His presence. I needed His peace. I needed to hear His voice. I needed to feel His love. I needed Him in order to love and serve Him. Choosing to love and serve Him because the mere claim of what Jesus did for me was no longer enough. I was missing something. Long pause. Bull crap. Perhaps serving Jesus and loving Him despite how I feel or what the Holy Spirit does for me is what it means for me to live by faith. Maybe feeling burned out and drained dry is the natural response of “dying to self”. Maybe the Holy Spirit is moving as I change one more dirty diaper for the 5000th time, because the baby is no longer sitting in her mess. She is the one I was serving, so whether or not I received life from that doesn’t really matter because she is no longer sitting in her crap. Or maybe this is just what being a responsible human being does. I don’t freaking know. All of these life questions dangle in the wind as I move along with life, until I have to make a decision. So it’s time to wrap this crisis up. I have 125 little girls waiting to be served at Dance for Joy. Do I feel filled up to pour out? Do I feel full of life when I am running Dance for Joy? Not so much. But of all the questions that I can think of to ask about all the reasons why I should or shouldn’t keep Dance for Joy going, those are the only two no’s. Maybe I will look back in 10 years and see how foolish I am being. How stubborn and prideful I have become. But honestly I do not know what else to do. I must step out of this desert I have been in and serve. Practice serving in humility. Practice serving dry. Practice serving when I don’t feel like serving. Practice serving not wanting anything in return. Practice serving while trusting that God will show up for that person I am serving. Practice serving while not feeling warm and fuzzy. Practice serving while feeling selfish. Practice serving while feeling empty. Practice serving while I doubt He is real. Because when it comes down to it, I really do want nothing more than to love and serve Jesus. I really will keep serving Him even if I never feel His presence, hear His voice or see Him move. And yes, I can be reminded of the times that God has spoken, healed, empowered and poured out His love for me and I have just forgotten. But in the midst of doubt and a faith crisis, it is hard to be convinced. So regardless, I will choose Jesus. I will choose to serve Him. I will choose to love. I might be doing this in my own strength, or maybe it is the power of the Holy Spirit. Who really cares. But as long as I sit around and wait to know for sure if it is God or not, that is all I will do…wait. I no longer want to resent the Holy Spirit for not being something to me that I want Him to be. And that is how I am concluding my faith crisis. A little bit angry, a little bit disappointed, but a little bit excited.